I usually keep my posts light and fluffy and focus on the fun or impactful moments of my YAV year. I am not one to talk about my feelings or even let myself dwell on the fact that I am anything but “hunky-dory.” But with the year officially over I think it’s time for some real talk.
Grief. A crazy and unpredictable emotion. It can overwhelm you suddenly and ebbs just as quickly. It is not neat and tidy or easy to store in my little “boxes.” I signed up for a program that would run, essentially, August to August. But sometimes life, the universe, God, whatever power(s) that be, have different plans and, in this case, it took the form of COVID-19.
Image Source: https://whatsyourgrief.com/
Back in March, I took a trip home to visit my sister and see my niece for the first time. Little did I know that soon after I returned to Chinook, everything would change.
DENIAL
The day the schools closed in mid-March, I believed it would be a few weeks and then we’d be back in action. Schools being out of commission meant that all school-related programs were also “taking a break.” I believed that this would be over in no longer than a month. The day the nursing home closed its doors, I thought I would get to see my favorite residents again, at the very least, before I left at the end of July. Then the library closed and I was left with only one job site, the food pantry. Once a week, for three hours, I had somewhere to be and to be of service. I firmly believed everything would be back on track soon, but all I did was temporarily numb myself to the pain.
ANGER
I felt useless. I felt obsolete. I felt cheated. This is not what I signed up for, this was not even a remote possibility in my mind that my year would essentially be put on hold starting in March. I admit I was jealous of other sites. They could still work, in some capacity, by going virtual but my site wasn’t set up that way. My site was so hands-on that virtual work didn’t make sense. By the time April began, I lost hope that my “normal” was going to return and I was just angry. Why would somebody promise me this year of change only to renege on that promise?
BARGAINING
If I only wait a little longer…. If only X, Y, Z would happen… If only… If only…
DEPRESSION
Why do I bother to stay in a place where I am useless? I felt very messy. I know that’s probably not a great description but it’s hard to explain. One minute I feel like I’m accepting the fact that things are changing and the next I’m avoiding all thought of what the future will hold or finding ways to continue on as nothing has really changed, like schools are on break or it’s summer vacation already. It’s messy, confusing, mind-boggling, and altogether exhausting.
ACCEPTANCE
I don’t know if I’m here yet. I don’t know when I will get here or how I will get here but I can’t wait for this part of my life to feel concluded. My year feels very unfinished. I keep thinking that if I had only accepted the fact that, in March, my year was over instead of holding on to that glimmer of hope that it would all be okay.
I left Chinook at the beginning of June and while I put on a smile and told people I was fine… the façade can only stand so long. It’s exhausting being fine all the time. I spent time in Michigan for a while to think and reflect. Then I went to Ohio to ignore and deflect. But once I was finally back in Indiana, there was nothing else to keep me from trying to understand my feelings about the year… or maybe there was. I found a project to busy myself for a few weeks. Then that finished and I kept finding things to stay busy, ways to deflect and keep those emotions in the box as best as could. Applying for work, taking an online class to get certified as a nonprofit professional, interviewing for jobs, accepting a new position… now all that’s left is to move and begin work. Another excuse to keep things in a box and deal with them later, but that “later” keeps moving farther and farther away, and when I am finally ready to deal with the complexity that is the end of my YAV year I hope that I will have a sense of completeness.
In a blink, it was over but in reality, it was over long before I wanted to accept that as the truth.
